My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
