Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
babies were throwing up all over the place
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize