Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So apparently I’m into choking now
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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