Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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