I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize