I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
