My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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