I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
