Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
