remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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