i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I have aggressive nipples.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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