Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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