so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Sober January is a disaster.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
this is an emotional support booty call
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize