i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
nutella sex= disaster
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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