just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
