she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
