The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize