I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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