Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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