Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize