She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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