Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
