Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
