It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
How external is "for external use only"?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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