sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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