Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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