My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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