oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
