The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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