she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
