curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
