I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
