watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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