like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
