I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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