So drunk its hurt
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
