My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
