The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
