I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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