He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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