I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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