My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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