I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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