He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
