Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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