a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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