My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize