I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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