If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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