She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
