The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
