Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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