So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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