totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
