I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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