That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize