Your dad touched me again.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
