Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
