i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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